Ирина Шевцова

Мои увлечения литературой и английским языком привели меня к тому, что я начала писать короткие рассказы, эссе и стихотворения. Моё профессиональное образование – экономическое. В писательстве я всегда выражаю, то чем живёт моя душа. Вся гамма чувств ложится на листке бумаги обычным почерком, с необычным смыслом произведения.

My hobbies with literature and English led me to write short stories, essays and poems. My professional education is economic. In writing, I always express how my soul lives. The whole range of feelings lies on a piece of paper in the usual handwriting, with the unusual meaning of the work.


Эссе «I love you!»

I love you! Nowadays, so often these three words are spoken by people to each other. But the meaning is invested completely different. And the result of the relationship is completely different too.

A person, fixated on himself, thinking only of his superiority over the surrounding people, notices only his love for someone and focuses on it. He will say: «I»! love you.

A loving person, who loves all people around, and not only them and also the environment where it is located: flowers, trees, animals. With the right understanding of what love is. He will say: I «LOVE»! you.

A person who is confident in his love for a particular person will say: I love «YOU»!

So, my story begins. I met people of all three types. Of course, most of all the happiness brought me a man from the third group who needed me. But suffering was not bypassed. Then, as it turned out, this is the key word «YOU» concealed under itself, not just me, but his obsession to me. His own dependence, from which he had a pleasure. As from drugs. He was addicted of his own love for me. Perhaps, I was the first one, when he met me, who was able to give a range of feelings and emotions that could only be compared with drug using. Undoubtedly it was addiction. Addiction is painful. He was so addicted to me that he could not live a day or a minute without me, without thinking about me. He turned into a slave and was swallowed up by this feeling, like a victim who was swallowed by a boa, and before that even deprived him of the ability to move, breaking all bones. He feels that he is dying, but it was too late to do something.

What can I say about myself? Of course, I felt his completely dissolution in me. He was like a balsam for my soul, which was many times wounded long before our meeting with him. He impregnated me with his soulfulness, thereby gluing my torn heart and filling the existing emptiness in my soul with warmth and love. When this happened, these moments were divine. I cannot describe these feelings in words, but I can say for sure that I felt his soul in me. So to say the sexual act of our souls. And the combination of two sexual acts — cosmic sensations. The universal scale. But I noticed his state of feelings too. He gave himself to me in pieces and he did not demand anything in return. It was both painful and at the same time bringing him unexplainable happiness.

Sometimes I could behave simply as a complete bitch to him. I could say insulting words to him and treat him very disparagingly. I still wanted to know when he would say: «Enough.» Or when he turns around and leaves, he will leave my life forever. But he never said to me, something bad in return and even more so in deeds. He always cared about me. He watched that I was fed, warmly clothed, and I had everything what I needed. If I started to get sick, he did not leave me a single step. Such sacrificial love made me mad. I told him more than once that you would kill yourself through me. You must have the will power, even for love. You need to appreciate yourself. But he did not agree with me. His inexplicable need to renounce himself for the sake of love, more made me think and be anxious, rather than be happy.

Everything came to the point that I began to investigate, this question that does not leave me alone. Still, why he needs this need. What could traumatize his heart and soul? What led him to this behavior? What sin is he trying to redeem? Maybe his problem lies in his mother? Many different questions appeared in my head. But I also want to note that I was attracted to him as a magnet. I was depending on him too.

One morning we woke up and started making love. Then breakfast followed, and then we went for a walk. In general, everything went as usual. But the sensations have changed. Everything was, as before, but the sensations were different. Not so bright.

«It’s strange!»- I thought. — «Something somewhere in the universe has changed and we have changed.»

And very soon I found the answers to all my questions. The paradox was that this solution was hidden in me. And my beloved only helped me to collect my own «puzzle».

The day when I felt that something was already going wrong, and was the day of the end of our relationship. I analyzed my condition before and after our meeting. They were two different people. I was two other people. All that I did not have enough, he filled, all with interest without a single reproach. All his love made me feel better and made me capable of a full life again. Again I could see the difference between happiness and unhappiness, between joy and sadness. I used to live only in one color scheme — gray. All this grayness filled my space, my horizons and my whole life with the unbearable feeling that I’m unhappy. At that time I could not even imagine how I needed such a person. I felt the need for such disinterested relations. Apparently one God only knew this. Because such people are not sent just like that. He was like a suitable patch for all my holes in the heart and soul. All these six months that we were together, I tried to change his, and fix his, help him. I thought how miserable he was. If I do not help him, he will die. Through the prism of my suffering and the pain that I felt, I evaluated my beloved.

It turns out that all this time — it was he who helped me. He was the one who treated me. All our thoughts and actions, which we want to, send to someone, are primarily we needed in them. My beloved was all right. With his soul also. And I’m very happy about that. I was so unhappy that it was projected onto him. I thought he was such an unhappy man. And I tried to help him in every possible way, which was reflected on me with redoubled force. My attempts to make another person happy, turned into a complete recovery of myself. And he saw and understood all this. He did not say anything to me, and it was not necessary, it would not be clear then for me. I can write a book about his noble behavior. Naturally, this was a transitional stage in the evolution of my soul. Yes, and he needed another kind of relationship. Because he is at a higher evolutionary stage than I am.  But thanks to him I climbed one step higher. At the moment we are not together and very rarely communicate. But we parted like two best friends who will never forget each other. I am very grateful to him for his noble attitude towards me. And thank God he sent his to me. Because not every man is able to love more than a girl so can only a few. My experience has shown me that we must believe in pure and noble love. Without it, we simply can’t survive. In the end, the «Boomerang Principle» is triggered. When we help others, we help ourselves. I also want to mention the «Principle of the Upper Road». We move to a higher level, when we begin to treat others better than they treat us.

I love you! Each person puts an emphasis on one of these words of the given sentence. The emphasis will be placed there, in the area where now the person most needs love. «I» is a need, that people love only him. Very similar to the need for a child’s greedy love. «I love» is a person’s need to just love. This is the most balanced stage of evolution. «You» is the need to heal yourself through someone to love without interests. I can also note that every person in his life goes through these three phases of love. And it does not matter who, at what age, evolves. The main thing is that this happen.

Love each other, «different» love, who is capable for love, who is already «ripe» for love. And help your lovers to move on to the next higher steps of the evolution of love. Do not be afraid to be offended or humiliated by your loved ones. They do it not from evil, but from a deeply unhappy feeling. Treat with love. Be happy!

 

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